So a few days ago I went on a mini-twitter rant about how to answer “how are you feeling?”. I got to an answer. This won’t be a long post. In fact just this: It’s perfectly normal: – Being lucid, composed in speech, without parallel quips of humor to disguise your insecurity about appearing or […]
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Hey, it’s been laaik four months since my last confession. I’ve been reflecting on my journey with bipolar disorder recently. I’ve turned a corner. Something has changed in the way I think of myself, and I’m pretty sure it comes down to one thing: acceptance. While I’ve been posting on this blog for a long […]
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Righto, lets delve into my life. Again. Ya’ll love to live vicariously. I know it. You know it. But do you also have the chutzpah to actually live it? Living with HIV, being undetectable, and having bipolar disorder might sound like a tragic combo, but trust me, I’ve managed to find the humor in even […]
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It’s Easter! Meh. Seems I’m repeating this again: sorry it’s been a minute since my last confession. Since my last update, I am still doing just fine. I really am fine, mom. Really, really. Ultimately I think I can say, definitively, that I have found a medication regimen that works for me. I mean, in […]
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Today is #WorldAIDSDay. I would normally write a homily about how “far we’ve come”, how “many lives have been saved”. I’d tell a story of the success of the South African antiretroviral program. Fuck that. I won’t. I can’t. I would far rather like to be as crude, blatant and forthcoming: if you don’t get […]
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A disruptive event changes the course of rivers. It can also change your brain. It changed mine.
Continue ReadingSheet. I’ll skip the apology for not posting in a while. Sheet. I did. Today I thought I’d write a thing oor memories. Memories capture everything we are in the recent past and also that, that are memories that are far, far from the present day. If you’ve been following this blog you’ll know that […]
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You’ll fail,you’ll fall.You’ll falter,you’ll fester.You’ll fury,you’ll flake. You! And you. You’re fascinating,You’re fervid.You’re firm.You’re formidable.You’re fearless.You’re forever.
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So, I’m doing the nomad life for a while. A long while. Frankly I’m terrified I manage to fuck this trip up. I mean, I’ve been planning it for over a year – but I don’t trust rationality to prevail at all times. I guess rational is a moving target. I reckon I’m not alone. […]
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Hi folks, been a minute. Here’s a track to make up for it on YouTube. It’s very good. Everyone must listen. So, the past two weeks at least I’ve not been at optimum performance. With work, with self care. You know… all those things that happen when the black dog jumps the fence. Of course […]
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The blatant price gauging of originators is ludicrous. So I spend a fortune (well, not really as my medical aid gets the brunt but that’s not the point) and I thought I’d do what I could for those that are less privileged and have to access medication out of pocket. You should be able to […]
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Look, I’ll be frank. As per usque. Things happened that sucked a whole lot. But it occurred to me that things happen. To everyone. My disorder doesn’t define me. In 2021 that penny finally dropped. You can read the misdiagnosis story elsewhere but to cut to the chase: my diagnosis was/is a validation of my […]
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Today was World AIDS Day. Usually, I’d have tweeted a cute pic of myself ‘living positively’. Not today. Because not every day is one I wake up ‘living positively’. I’ve not deep-dived into the #WorldAIDSDay ‘hype’ this year but I am sure the narrative is the same as the years before: HIV is [a platitude […]
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I took a sabbatical from posting here. In fact I took a sabbatical from a heap of life things that fell in the ‘too hard basket’. Nevertheless, I am back. I’m back with another existential post that ultimately will leave me with more questions than answers. So here’s the problem: if you have a wide, […]
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’twas me back again. Again I found myself in a Mental Health Clinic for the last while. This time the circumstances were remarkably different. This time I arrived a few days in advance and not an ambulance, did the paperwork and didn’t bring enough socks (again). Why was I there? I was going through a […]
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Been a while. Sorry, not sorry. Not that I need to apologize to anyone but I thought I’d do this post to check in and, well, tell myself that this too shall pass. In fact it is already passing. After feeling a little blue for the last six weeks or so I think I’m crawling […]
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Since Freud human psychology has drawn tenuous connections between nurture and mental health (and a plethora of other personality dispositions etc.). And in the large part I agree with them. The way one is brought up is tantamount to years of human conditioning on how to life, before you’re foisted (or foist yourself) into the world to action what you’ve come to know as ‘how to life’.
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Depression is a real sneaky thing. Especially the debilitating bipolar kind (and yes I am making a distinction here). One moment you’re ready to rock and slowly depression creeps up on you, planning its attack. So, when it strikes what can you do about it? Here’s an extensive list: Put your feet on the ground […]
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As I’ve described before, one of the most dreadful outcomes of untreated bipolar disorder is the decimation of personal relationships. I get that burning these bridges is largely due to the condition wrecking havoc but I also think that perhaps one needs to burn everything and then reevaluating which bridges are worth rebuilding. I went […]
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[Unedited]Major depressives can skip to the part about SSRIs. IMPORTANT: I am not a medical professional and any and all of my content does not intend to replace the advice of your physician. Why am I sharing this very personal and intimate post? Simple: to let other people in the same boat know they’re not […]
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This is one illness that is very good at confusing the enemy. You and you doctors are the enemy here. Less than 3% of the world’s population live with bipolar, most of them never knew they had it until diagnosed with it by a specialist. We know that bipolar is common in children and teens […]
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Playing with words is fun! Wright?! Clang associations are pretty much a daily funny for me. Essentially as I’m reading something, or watching something, or thinking about something a particular word stands out among the others. That word seems to make an indelible impression on my thoughts for the next few hours (read weeks). You […]
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Thanks to the International Bipolar Foundation (IBF) for their support spreading the truth about bipolar and educating people about it. Visit them here: https://ibpf.org When you use the word “bipolar” incorrectly you could are implying that there is something “wrong” or “broken”. People with bipolar are neither of those things. If someone with Bipolar Disorder […]
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My intention was to unpack the triggers and symptoms of bipolar disorder as depicted in the documentary. It wasn’t my intention to come to new conclusions and other theories about the saga. Well, I got carried away and you now have James’ theories and and unjustified conclusions about Elisa’s Lam’s mental state of mind, peppered […]
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So… depression. It’s kak. This is probably the mot difficult post I have written. I never exaggerate. Not so much that it is so personal I have to replace my keyboard for the tears streaming down my face, but more so because life is hard. It’s so very, very hard. And I mean that in […]
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Maybe I’m just an asshole. Something that often worms it’s way into my mind is that I am in fact not bipolar at all, just an asshole. Bipolar grandiosity is a wonderfully confabulated red-herring hiding an asshole in a sea of muggles. Bipolar mania, along with it’s siblings hypo-mania and others, often present as grandiosity. […]
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If I’m truly honest with myself the fear of happiness is something I’ve always lived with. Later I’ll get to why I feel it’s more pronounced, and nuanced, with a bipolar diagnosis. The fear of happiness. It sounds like some post-modern ailment of the rich and famous. I can assure you, dear reader, that while […]
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My dear bipolar disorder, You’re a real bastard, you know that? And selfish. And needy. And manipulative. It is quite clear you were in the driving seat with this relationship. It was years of ignoring you before you made damn sure you were in my life. You came in like a wrecking ball. Egged on […]
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I’m writing, for the first time i believe, about how my bipolar diagnosis an subsequent treatment has changed my lie. Given me live. Love life. Many posts on this hear blog are seal-deprecating or technical and lack a personal journey.
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Something that’s fascinated me is why one would stop taking bipolar medication. Don’t do that. I want to share some other thoughts I’ve had about acceptance of a bipolar diagnosis and some of the things I’ve learned that really make acceptance and staying the course really difficult and how to one might overcome these. Here […]
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[This is not a cry for help. Btdubs.] I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time. I guess I’ve been putting it off because there’s some (a lot) of guilt for the role I’ve played in either absconding or destroying friendships along the way. I’ll live with that guilt until I do something […]
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A friend sent a text saying: “You, my friend, are hilarious 😂” All the signs just fell into place by that one phrase: You, my friend, are hilarious 😂: Funny I may be, but soon it will fade to childishness. This morning I was totally over the top chatty to a barista and am now […]
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Tbh, this entry could be summarized in a single line: it’s ending when you’re no longer doing the things you were doing during mania. Of course it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to leave it there, even though it could be. Maybe I’m hypo-manic and don’t know ow to shut up. Or it’s just who […]
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Wrote this on a lazy Sunday afternoon… what started out as a “10 things on working from home” turned into a hypomanic-adjcent mega post . Sharing here because, hey, it’s the internet and I can. I’m too lazy to bookmark headings rn but you’ll be strong. There is little debate that the Corona-virus has changed […]
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So here it is: the list of (most of) the medication I’ve been on before landing on my current medication cocktail. I’ve been toing and froing about about posting this one, I can’t quite put my finger on why. Maybe because it’s like looking into my actual chemical soul or sommat? Whatever. I’m posting this […]
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Misdiagnosis has meant me missing out on loving life, my whole life
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Bless me father for I haven’t written in 3 weeks. You’ll be strong, also. While you’re nursing your feels here are five things I wish people without bipolar knew about bipolar bears: 1. Stop walking on egg-shells. We’re tougher than you think. We’d far rather you played open open cards and told us the truth […]
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I’ve got my regular appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. For the most part these sessions are productive and a great opportunity to better understand my bipolar diagnosis. I’m truly grateful that I’m in a position to have monthly appointments with my practitioner – not everyone is so lucky. Having regular appointments is almost like a […]
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This lock-down has not had the effect I thought it would. For the most part I’ve been coping well, very well even. Psychiatrist agrees he’s never seen me better and can also say the same for many of his other patients. Of course this got me thinking: why have many bipolar folk and others with […]
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I don’t want to jinx it but my first week in full lock-down has been one of the most pleasant I’ve had in a long while. Certainly there were moments when I could feel rising irritations: usually spurred on by the riff-raff, alarmist, cabal of misinformation fearmongers on social media an inane WhatsApp groups. Somehow […]
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