Righto, lets delve into my life. Again. Ya’ll love to live vicariously. I know it. You know it. But do you also have the chutzpah to actually live it? Living with HIV, being undetectable, and having bipolar disorder might sound like a tragic combo, but trust me, I’ve managed to find the humor in even […]
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It’s Easter! Meh. Seems I’m repeating this again: sorry it’s been a minute since my last confession. Since my last update, I am still doing just fine. I really am fine, mom. Really, really. Ultimately I think I can say, definitively, that I have found a medication regimen that works for me. I mean, in […]
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A disruptive event changes the course of rivers. It can also change your brain. It changed mine.
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Look, I’ll be frank. As per usque. Things happened that sucked a whole lot. But it occurred to me that things happen. To everyone. My disorder doesn’t define me. In 2021 that penny finally dropped. You can read the misdiagnosis story elsewhere but to cut to the chase: my diagnosis was/is a validation of my […]
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Today was World AIDS Day. Usually, I’d have tweeted a cute pic of myself ‘living positively’. Not today. Because not every day is one I wake up ‘living positively’. I’ve not deep-dived into the #WorldAIDSDay ‘hype’ this year but I am sure the narrative is the same as the years before: HIV is [a platitude […]
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I took a sabbatical from posting here. In fact I took a sabbatical from a heap of life things that fell in the ‘too hard basket’. Nevertheless, I am back. I’m back with another existential post that ultimately will leave me with more questions than answers. So here’s the problem: if you have a wide, […]
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’twas me back again. Again I found myself in a Mental Health Clinic for the last while. This time the circumstances were remarkably different. This time I arrived a few days in advance and not an ambulance, did the paperwork and didn’t bring enough socks (again). Why was I there? I was going through a […]
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Been a while. Sorry, not sorry. Not that I need to apologize to anyone but I thought I’d do this post to check in and, well, tell myself that this too shall pass. In fact it is already passing. After feeling a little blue for the last six weeks or so I think I’m crawling […]
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Yes. This is a question I often get asked, either as directly, just like that or veiled in some “is it attention seeking” dig. I’d like to answer as best I am able to at 3:20AM on a Monday morning when time is but a fiction (hypomanic is so fun! No…). I’ll say it upfront […]
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So a few days ago I went on a mini-twitter rant about how to answer “how are you feeling?”. I got to an answer. This won’t be a long post. In fact just this: It’s perfectly normal: – Being lucid, composed in speech, without parallel quips of humor to disguise your insecurity about appearing or […]
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My intention was to unpack the triggers and symptoms of bipolar disorder as depicted in the documentary. It wasn’t my intention to come to new conclusions and other theories about the saga. Well, I got carried away and you now have James’ theories and and unjustified conclusions about Elisa’s Lam’s mental state of mind, peppered […]
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So… depression. It’s kak. This is probably the mot difficult post I have written. I never exaggerate. Not so much that it is so personal I have to replace my keyboard for the tears streaming down my face, but more so because life is hard. It’s so very, very hard. And I mean that in […]
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Maybe I’m just an asshole. Something that often worms it’s way into my mind is that I am in fact not bipolar at all, just an asshole. Bipolar grandiosity is a wonderfully confabulated red-herring hiding an asshole in a sea of muggles. Bipolar mania, along with it’s siblings hypo-mania and others, often present as grandiosity. […]
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If I’m truly honest with myself the fear of happiness is something I’ve always lived with. Later I’ll get to why I feel it’s more pronounced, and nuanced, with a bipolar diagnosis. The fear of happiness. It sounds like some post-modern ailment of the rich and famous. I can assure you, dear reader, that while […]
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My dear bipolar disorder, You’re a real bastard, you know that? And selfish. And needy. And manipulative. It is quite clear you were in the driving seat with this relationship. It was years of ignoring you before you made damn sure you were in my life. You came in like a wrecking ball. Egged on […]
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I’m writing, for the first time i believe, about how my bipolar diagnosis an subsequent treatment has changed my lie. Given me live. Love life. Many posts on this hear blog are seal-deprecating or technical and lack a personal journey.
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[This is not a cry for help. Btdubs.] I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time. I guess I’ve been putting it off because there’s some (a lot) of guilt for the role I’ve played in either absconding or destroying friendships along the way. I’ll live with that guilt until I do something […]
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A friend sent a text saying: “You, my friend, are hilarious 😂” All the signs just fell into place by that one phrase: You, my friend, are hilarious 😂: Funny I may be, but soon it will fade to childishness. This morning I was totally over the top chatty to a barista and am now […]
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Tbh, this entry could be summarized in a single line: it’s ending when you’re no longer doing the things you were doing during mania. Of course it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to leave it there, even though it could be. Maybe I’m hypo-manic and don’t know ow to shut up. Or it’s just who […]
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Misdiagnosis has meant me missing out on loving life, my whole life
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Bless me father for I haven’t written in 3 weeks. You’ll be strong, also. While you’re nursing your feels here are five things I wish people without bipolar knew about bipolar bears: 1. Stop walking on egg-shells. We’re tougher than you think. We’d far rather you played open open cards and told us the truth […]
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Tell that to me when I’m on a roll and soon heads will. The human mind is a complex beast. Our understanding of it is minimal and usually when the neurologists says they understand something what they really mean is that that they can measure something against a hypothesis. It’s not often that science is […]
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Recently I found myself in a desperate spiral of of unadulterated, uncontrollable rage that brought me to the brink of what I’ll call ‘manic disillusionment on the brink curtain fall’. I suspect this will be a very long post – I’m not sorry. It’s worth understanding the context of my most recent manic episode: this […]
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I knew this day would come: writing about bipolar depression during bipolar depression. Everything is hard. That’s it. That’s all I have. Tomorrow will be better.
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A classic bipolar symptom: irritability. Or is it? The muggles are already at, “blah, blah, blah… we all get irritated” and that’s irritating AF. It you just took the time to READ up, just a little, about what irritability is to bipolar bears and the consequences then maybe you’ll get. what. a. fucking. big. deal. […]
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You’d be forgiven for concluding that I have a pretty jaundiced view of hypomania. I mean I’ve written a great deal about the wrecking ball that is hypomania on all your relationships – from work to play. It’s not all bad though. I say that with a caveat though: it’s not all that bad if […]
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Retrospect is 20/20. I’ve been living with varying degrees of bipolar for as long as I can remember (I’ll chat about the first ‘incidents’ some-other time).
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It’s 00:24. He’s well aware that he should be in bed. That seems like such a waste of time. After all, he could be writing a novel, his next best app, a new and brilliant way of increasing engagement on the learning platform he’s come to call his craft. Sleep? No, not for him. Speaking […]
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In confronting my Bipolar disorder I’ve faced significant criticism that doing so has exposed family, friends and colleagues to prejudice and unwelcome questions and stigma related to my “coming out” with various ‘social deviancy’: gay, HIV+ and bipolar) which, in turn, has raised awkward and uncomfortable conversations with their and friends and colleagues.
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The following post contains triggers related to suicide and self harm. If either of these makes you uncomfortable or trigger unpleasant emotional responses you should stop reading right now.
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Turns out it’s much easier to write from experience, so I’m gonna stick with speaking from the heart. Sorry mom. Overshare, probably (see symptoms)… might delete later. My bipolar diagnosis has, in many respects, been life changing. For the most part in the good sense. Something that I wasn’t ready for is the period before […]
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It’s likely there will be many more posts about (hypo)manic episodes on here I guess – it’s probably a sign I’m heading that way when I post. It is what it is. I also loath the term ‘episode’ … this isn’t “Pleasantville: A limited series”. Here’s what I remember from recent episodes (some of which […]
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