It’s likely there will be many more posts about (hypo)manic episodes on here I guess – it’s probably a sign I’m heading that way when I post. It is what it is. I also loath the term ‘episode’ … this isn’t “Pleasantville: A limited series”. Here’s what I remember from recent episodes (some of which I don’t remember and people were quick to tell me when I was back to placid from full-blown mania).
When I’m in a euphoric mood:
- I think I am the the smartest most talented person on earth. Not in any specific field or on a certain subject. I just tend to believe that if anyone asked me a question, whatever I said would not only be correct but profoundly insightful.
Sometimes, this is useful when I am doing writing, because my inner critic goes away and I write a lot. Sometimes it backfires because what I write is chaotic and doesn’t make sense and people are, WHAT is this?! I think that I could write a novel (this blog is right up there), I can paint a masterpiece, join an acting troupe… the list goes on and on.
The last time I felt this way I told my therapist that I needed to go home because someone was going to contact me about an important multi-level marketing opportunity… I couldn’t tell him what I was needed for at that gig exactly but that I was just needed and I was the only person for the job. - I turn into a stand up comedian. Everything that comes out of my mouth (funny or not) is hysterical to me. When I am around other people and I make them laugh, it just makes me go higher and higher.
- When stable, I am careful with my money. When hypomanic, R2000 rand seems like R2. I ince bought a Macbook, a Fitbit watch and an Apple TV in the span of a day and blew through my savings, more than once. Also online shopping is massive problem.
And this poor control of my finances while hypomanic isn’t your run-or-the-mill “I spent too much on Christmas presents” is more like “It’s Black Friday and I’m feeling flush I need to buy new car (this has happened twice, so far). “ - My thoughts are going so quickly that I speak in disconnected words and phrases. I’m trying to keep up with myself but it doesn’t work. Other times, I talk so quickly, interrupt people, and speak very loudly. I can’t stay on track on a subject.
A blessing is that most of the time my friends and colleagues tell me when I’m blabbing on at 100 miles an hour – so I’ll go for a walk or, if it’s particularly bad, I’ll work from home to avoid the embarrassment of talking in tongues in the corridors - I commit to everything, there is no such thing as “no”. I take on projects that I won’t finish. However, sometimes it leads me to opportunities that I otherwise wouldn’t have pushed myself towards.
The stress of being overworked isn’t always great, and can lead to depressive episodes, but if I commit to a bunch of things and stay hypomanic, it’s easy to get everything done and feel great about myself. The quality of the work varies, however.
When I experience irritable/angry hypomania:
- I pick fights with people I love.
I once called my boss just to yell at him for not being enthusiastic about a “great” idea I had. I’ve blown things out of proportion and because I have no filter, I will say things that are mean and, mostly also inaccurate. - I swear in outburst. I will walk around my house telling the plants and furniture to fuck off. One time I told a dog to fuck off for like… existing. And seagulls, they’re a blemish that cannot be tolerated.
- I hyperventilate because it feels like my body is going to explode. I want to rip all my skin off.
- One time I was angry when I was driving and I kept accelerating recklessly, secretly hoping I’d get in a car accident and all the crazyness would stop. Luckily I got a grip and drove myself to ER and demanded to be taken to in-patient care (that for another post).
- Sometimes I hurt myself because it feels uncomfortable to exist in my body. I feel like a balloon that needs to be popped.
Each time I have a hypo-manic episode I learn new things about myself though. Sometimes I remember what I do and sometimes my colleagues and friends give me a shocking recap when I’ve “come down”.
It’s a gift and a curse.
