Maybe I’m just an asshole. Something that often worms it’s way into my mind is that I am in fact not bipolar at all, just an asshole. Bipolar grandiosity is a wonderfully confabulated red-herring hiding an asshole in a sea of muggles.
Bipolar mania, along with it’s siblings hypo-mania and others, often present as grandiosity. The word in itself sounds a bit grandiose in and of itself, if you ask me, even pompous. You didn’t ask but you should have.
Look, I’m all for self-flagellation at the best of times but identifying as an asshole for too long is certainly not a healthy place to be. Am I grumpy? Sure. Bitter? Defs. Sardonic? No question. But an asshole? Perhaps only on Tuesdays.
Grandiosity, if we were to define it in broad strokes, is the delusional feeling of invincibility, larger-than-life feelings of being able to conquer the world and everything it throws at you. And overcome the things it doesn’t throw at you but you think it should. Even the things you imagine it is throwing at you, but isn’t.
Now, these ‘delusions’ are not a permanent state. I am not permanently convinced that I can single-handedly forge a new and better way to deal with global warming. Without Big Business, or the UN or the panda people. It’s only when I’m riding a hypo-manic wave.
I’ve been so convinced of this that I once wrote a three thousand word ‘plan of action’ that I intended to hand to our Minister for Forests, Fisheries and the Environment. I didn’t have her e-mail on hand.
You can see where I’m going with this: it’s a fucking ride is grandiosity!
Who doesn’t want to be so self-assured and genuinely confident that almost everything the world throws at you can be resolved by yourself, and you alone? Without meddling from other fodder. That right there is power! To feel that consummate invincibility is an incredibly self-gratifying pleasure.
As I wrote that I scared myself.
So, grandiosity is great.
Yup. It’s the tits. Honestly, when I first read about this symptom I could not see why it would be a problem. Having had frequent bouts of it I was confident that all of them resulted in some productive output.
I think this is true for most people riding the wave. Grandiosity is like similar to alcohol in-so-far as your inhibitions and all the limitations of a problem become mere sandcastles on your mission to conquer the world.
This lack of inhibition could be pretty valuable. I think it is very valuable in teams and such where group think negativity dominates the SWOT analysis. Without the constraints of real or imagined obstacles, ideas are abundant, creative and, even if entirely bizarre, open up more constructive discussions than any flip-chart could.
Thing is though, is that grandiose sees no obstacles, not even the ones telling you to reel it in. It’s great until you realize people have been watching your arrogance for weeks and are enough of it.
Is grandiosity always delusional?
Not always. Sometimes though. It’s easy for most to shrug off this grandiosity as ‘an episode’ and never speak about it again.
What happens though if during this grandiose experience you’re genuinely convinced you’re able to do anything, and everything? And if this is the case, can you trust yourself when you’re well. And can you tell the difference?
Two things here:
- Always believe in yourself, grandiose or not. It’s counter intuitive to constantly question your own intellect while trying to save the world. You’re no good to anyone if you can’t stick by your guns and own yourself.
- And related to point one: be prepared to admit when you’ve been defeated and ready to apologize when you’ve cocked it up. I think this applies for anyone, really. When you’re wrong, say so. When you’re out of your depth, admit it.
The specific delusions that appear differ from person to person. Obviously. I, for example, become so focused on a specific social ill that it consumes me to such an extent that, after researching it to death, I am the only person able to cure the ill. We’re bordering on “I was sent here by a higher power to do XYZ.” So, I mean… this is not sustainable a life.
So, it’s not great then?
Not really, no. When you weigh up the pro’s and con’s on your little flip chart the cons are overwhelming.
It comes down ultimately to humiliation, embarrassment. Then you see yourself in the mirror: failure. That right there is the trump card. Failure.
But! If you’ve been keeping notes and have some semblance of when you’re heading the way of delusional grandeur and full blown mania you can spare yourself all of the embarrassment etc. and even come out on top with ideas that are, honestly, exceptional.
Good luck finding the balance. The pull of power is strong. Very. You’ll need to commit.
Here’s where I say, again, make notes through your journey. When you come back to earth you might find gold between the scribbles of your beautiful mind.
