Today was World AIDS Day. Usually, I’d have tweeted a cute pic of myself ‘living positively’. Not today. Because not every day is one I wake up ‘living positively’.
I’ve not deep-dived into the #WorldAIDSDay ‘hype’ this year but I am sure the narrative is the same as the years before: HIV is [a platitude to living like everyone else]. The narrative is true. Living with HIV is not a death sentence. You can live a healthy and happy life. You aren’t transmissible. I mean the HIV isn’t. The lines are blurred.
The notion that a virus is literally so much a part of me as my DNA often wins over the “you aren’t your disease” mantra.
Living with HIV is hard.
ARVs
I am now on a one-pill-a-day regimen of antiretroviral treatment. Yes, one pill is better than three (or four mood stabalisers. Or two antidepressants. Or an anti-psycotic. Or all of these for the comobid mental illness).
But it’s not about the pill count.
It’s about the action of taking the pill and the feelings that flood my mind every morning. Living with HIV is challenging. As much as I like to put on a brave face and minimize how my positive diagnosis is “not a big deal” I am being disingenuous.
Living with HIV is hard.
Living Positively
So, there’s the truth.
Most days I am strong and win over the self-stigma. Most days I am also excellent at splitting.
Every time I need to swallow that pill I am reminded of my disease. I am reminded of the incredible hopelessness I felt when I was first diagnosed. The anger at the injustice of society’s stigma of it – of me. I’m reminded of the alienation I felt after that diagnosis. The alienation I feel still when having to navigate disclosure of my status. That I have to disclose anything at all.
I’m reminded that early death is the alternative if I don’t swallow that pill. I’m reminded of the millions of people that died before me. I’m reminded to be thankful for life, but also so bitter that I need to be thankful on the back of millions who are living undiagnosed.
Internal stigma is real. And frankly, I have no idea how to extinguish the flames of internalized self-hate. So, it’s not as easy as just “taking a pill”.
Living with HIV is hard.
#WorldAIDSDay
This World AIDS Day I say this: I won’t stop fighting the flames within. Please keep fighting with me, and all those living with HIV. And if you’re living with HIV know that it’s OK to not be OK. And I’ll fight stigma with you every day too.
Further Reading – HIV and Psychiatric Comorbidity
HIV and psychiatric comorbidities: What do we know and what can we do?
Thanks for teaching me about splitting!
It make so much sense.