The Bipolar ups are called mania, the downs are called depression and a bipolar sufferer oscillates between the two over a period of time – sometimes for days, often weeks and, for some unlucky folk, years at one of the poles.
I’ll tell you straight up that Bipolar mania is wild. Those that have it live loud and large on their own solitary cloud on an otherwise cloudless day. It’s a confusing thing is mania. Especially as a muggle looking from the outside in.
It’s a muddied water for friends and family that genuinely want to help and want to understand the condition. Being manic (or even depressed) doesn’t help your noble cause – often it’s isolating or pushing the very people that care you far, far away with bizarre manic-induced behavior.
What’s Mania? It’s everything and also nothing.
Bipolar mania is often depicted in entertainment as a fun, happy, jubilant place to be. And it is generally all these things, except it’s too much of happy. It’s the mime that was trying too hard, gesticulating so fast no one could understand his craft. The mime can’t understand why no one threw some coppers in the collection basket either, shem.
The manic high is excited and passionate about life and what’s to come. So excited in fact you’d think everyone must be excited with you and do all the things at a rapid rate.
Failure to keep up with manic you or share your enthusiasm likely brings a swath of rejection, disdain and irritation to the point that you feel personally attacked. You were attacked, don’t ever doubt yourself, muggle.
Manic elation is so great it blurs the lines of capability, capacity and reality. It’s endless list writing with many bullet points that are (usually) great ideas; but, you’re so far out of your depth most of these ideas are never implemented (even can’t be implemented) and the rest are pure fantasy based on fictitious skill.
Manic you is the person you must have at a party. You keep the mood light and jubilant. No one can possibly feel left out ’cause the manic Bipolar is all things to all people.
And then everything falls apart.
The life of the party is also an asshole who knows they’re too much and drinks to curb their enthusiasm. Usually this has exactly the opposite effect: intoxication leaves you without rhyme or reason, your delusions of rejection from others are a thing to behold.
All attempts to reason with a manic are fruitless – seriously don’t even try reason with someone in a manic state. You’re, in your own mind, so happy though! your jokes are hysterical (seemingly more hysterical to yourself).
Financial mismanagement trends, often. Manic you lives large and loud: booking trips overseas at a whim. Fellow travelers (whom you probably bought tickets for without consultation) don’t complain given you’re an excellent host and are quick to buy the whole bar a round, for everyone, even the kitchen staff, thrice. Rent money? Forget it, you’ll pay with the artwork you’re currently busy with.
Unconsciously manic you is justifying your own over indulgence.
It’s been 84 hours since you’ve slept
You really aren’t tired though and you’re firing on all cylinders, in your own mind anyway. Certainly there’s no intention of sleeping in the foreseeable future.
84 hours without sleep also has you exhibiting some really bizarre behavior. Promiscuity is common, your appetite for more off-beat sexual fantasies and kinks is immense. Manic you buys yearly Grinder, Tinder, SCRUFF and Recon subscriptions without a thought. Plans to ‘meet’ someone overseas from PornHub, that looks exactly like your high school bully, are afoot.
A few weeks later friends and family confront you about everything that’s been happening with you lately. You don’t remember a thing. That’s the first truth you’ve spoken since mania started.
Invincible BipolarMe(.org)!
Manic you is invincible and you can’t compute why everyone everyone could possibly be upset! Mania is so wonderful that you’ve tried jumping off a bridge though “while the going was good”.
You don’t know you’re manic though – really you don’t. You usually join the dots though when family ties are left in ruins, all your friends have capitulated to incessant abuse and moved on.
Mania is lonely, it’s everything until it’s nothing.
No matter where you are. Up or down – side ways or front ways – you always have a friend in me and many others that UNDERSTAND what this is. Many don’t and I appreciate you being so open and honest about what it feels like. People just can’t imagine, I’m sure, what bipolar 1 mania feel like – but with the words you use it allows people just a snapshot of what it’s like to sit in your mind for a minute. It’s not a comfy place to camp out- you’d rather just give up and go home. But you can’t. You stay strong and keep on going. Thank you for this. And thank you for being just you.