As I’ve described before, one of the most dreadful outcomes of untreated bipolar disorder is the decimation of personal relationships. I get that burning these bridges is largely due to the condition wrecking havoc but I also think that perhaps one needs to burn everything and then reevaluating which bridges are worth rebuilding.
I went through a long phase of rapid cycling some years back. After sometime I decided yes, actually there is something wrong with me and I need to get help. So I did, and if you’ve been following my journey here on the blog I have never looked back. Life is very much more bearable than it ever has been.
Before coming to the correct diagnosis and being treated (for this entirely treatable disorder) you could say I was a mess. And I was a mess for literally years before. We’re talking like 12 years of messy. I’m pretty much over the self-flagellating blame game but something that has always bugged me is just how many friendships and relationships I’ve lost along the way.
Sure, everyone matures and friends grow apart with distance and time. I get that too. I reckon though the extremes of moods brings with it a decimation of relationships in a way that is far more volatile and conclusive. My point is, is that bipolar disorder can really fuck your personal relationships up. In some cases so badly you might think that there is not a chance the relationship can be repaired.
This post isn’t about repairing relationships though. I wanted to write about having the opportunity to reevaluate your relationships. I’m not doing a very good job at that, but here we are.
Why reevaluate? Because some people do nothing to complement your road to recovery. The buzzword is “toxic people”. These are the people that for some or other reason have an affinity to bring you along on their narcissistic, gas-lighting journey. These are the people that do you no favors when you’re trying to get your shit together.
Often here I have mentioned that medication is not a silver bullet to default. It takes work to truly heal. One of the best things I did was to remove myself from opportunities of destructive behaviors. Taking myself out of a situation I knew would end in poor life decisions and instead work on myself. After all, how can you expect to have relationships with other people until you know your yourself?
The affinity to be with “friends” often leads to relationships that slowly creep up, eroding your own individuality and ‘tor’. One becomes enveloped in a group think circle jerk of toxicity.
Which brings me to my point (I think…). When every friendship, relationship and colleague has been sprayed with Doom, only allow the ones that add value to your life, or the promise of adding value to your life, to grow in your yard.
Knowing which ones should stay dead and which ones should be allowed rise again is a difficult process though. It’s one I’ve not yet been very successful at. In the large part I’ve many relationships that to this day I believe I should allow to grow but it’s jolly hard to pick up the phone, to make that call and start the conversation.
I’m making progress though. The anxiety that comes with making that connection is pretty overwhelming. What’s worse is that some relationships grew apart just because you weren’t able to nurture them, not that you did anything wrong per se. Insert anecdote of accept the tings you cannot change.
This imagined alienation is a huge issue for me at the moment. I’ve WhatsaApp groups and friends on social media that i chat with a little about mundane things, and some that I just lurk in the shadows hoping that at some point I’ll have the courage to type that message saying I’d like to reconnect. But it’s hard.
[Queue emotional James]
What has been easier though is being able to contact people that I’d long lost contact with for no other reason than time and distance, and nothing to do with a disorder. I’m so incredibly grateful to those people who’ve embraced rekindling the coals of friendship. Even in the face of whatever come before in some cases, actually. To be able to rule a line a say: lets try this again.
So, ultimately what I’m saying is that one should try to see that, that rock bottom (probably many bottoms) after alienating, self-isolating, and crippling depression it presents an opportunity to reevaluate which people you want back in your life. You know in your heart of hearts who they are.
I’m still working on having the courage to actually action what I’ve described in this post. It’s hard. Very, very hard. I am hopeful though that the significant positive changes I’ve made in myself make me far more likely to foster those relationships because people want to know the better me and be better this time around.
Lost connections are two people waiting for the other to pick up the phone. I’ve found the phone and am working on getting the airtime.
